As some of you might remember, this survey was originally sent out after the second YAG. It only accumulated about 15 responses on each side at the time, so the results were never considered conclusive enough to make public. However, this year the YAGermeister was reminded of the survey’s existence, and it was sent out again to our now much larger group. We thank all the brave souls who participated, and hope you will find the results as interesting as we did!
THE Big Question – WHY are the majority of single sede men not out there chasing girls?
Nearly 40% of participants indicated that fear of rejection is their primary obstacle to asking girls out, with the perception of not having enough income being the second-highest reason. Fear of gossip came in third. (Really? We’re trads. There will ALWAYS be talk.)
Now, based on the corresponding portion of the ladies’ survey, is this fear of rejection grounded in reality? As it turns out, not at all! The results are actually quite encouraging. Here’s what the girls had to say about their experiences:
A whopping 75% of the women who took the survey – 78 Catholic women age 18 or over – said they have never even been asked out by a trad guy. Ever. And almost half of that never-asked-number said that they often DO meet guys they’d be interested in going out with – if only the gentlemen would ask!
As for any lingering fear of rejection, only 9 out of 103 total participants said outright that they wouldn’t even give an unappealing guy a chance. Most would at least go out with a guy a time or two to see if there was any hidden potential to be discovered.
So . . .
Key Takeaway #1: Guys, your fears are unfounded. If you’re even remotely interested in a girl, JUST. ASK. HER. OUT. It exponentially increases your chances of matrimony before the age of 40.
Thankfully the responses from the guys indicate that some of them have realized this, although not enough for the girls’ liking:
A full 53 out of the 86 guys who took the survey – almost 70% – said they have never asked a trad girl out. While some of the participants are understandably too young, the fact that almost a third find themselves lacking in courage (and the correspondingly high numbers for fear of rejection) leads us right back to the girls’ responses and Key Takeaway #1: Your fears are unfounded. Ask the girls out!
Narrowing Things Down
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s move on to the nitty gritty: What WOULD make girls turn a guy down, and what things turn guys off from asking in the first place?
At the top of the girls’ list of unattractive attributes is a guy who will not take initiative. (See, it all goes back to Takeaway #1 – just do SOMETHING!) Girls also set a high value on the personal grooming and proper dress of potential suitors. Unsurprisingly, chivalry ranks a close fourth, well within the top five. Manners, manners, manners. Most girls have gone so long having to fend for themselves that a guy who knows how to treat them like the ladies they are is already racking up MEGA brownie points. There’s no need to be corny or over-the-top about it, either. Basic attentiveness and initiative take care of most of it.
Interestingly enough, going back to one of the top items from the guys’ survey, girls don’t seem to find lack of material wealth to be an immediate turn-off when considering potential suitors. Obviously, there is some assumption that a guy will make serious efforts in that direction, but girls seem to realize that accumulating a viable net worth takes time.
Now for the guys.
Unsurprisingly, guys also place a high level of importance on physical appearance – we knew that already, but this certainly reinforces it. And while most girls watch their weight anyway, being on the heavier side definitely doesn’t help things. Poor taste in clothing came in third – again, not particularly surprising.
What we did find surprising was that most guys didn’t seem to care too much about dating girls who were taller than them.
The brains category ended up being a bit inconclusive, with no strong leaders, but having a sense of humor does seem to be a plus. Sarcasm, however, doesn’t seem to be a problem.
Finances, likewise, was a bit of a dud. The majority never seem to have given the matter much thought. It would be interesting to find out though why it would be considered a problem that a girl who is expected to be a homemaker wouldn’t have an outside job.
The Catholicism section, on the other hand, yielded some very interesting results. Ladies, take note! Far and away the leading turn-offs for the guys were girls who wear frumpy, outdated clothing – remember the results for the looks category! – and also girls who wear pants during the week as a general rule.
Years of observation indicate a pretty wide divide in various aspects of Catholic home life between pant-wearing and skirt-wearing trad women, and also in the numbers of vocations that result from the two kinds of homes. It’s definitely something to keep in mind. Too much TV usage was also an issue. If you find this surprising, just look up some of the studies that have been done about the negative impact of TV on the human brain – not to mention the obvious effects on Faith and morals from constant exposure to filth. Anymore, having the TV on is like having sewage pumped directly into your living room.
On the plus side, converts and reverts who come to the Church on their own, before starting a relationship, are statistically much safer bets than suitors who convert just to please their spouse during the courtship process. The trad dating pool is small enough that if you’re sincere, you don’t need to worry about not being good enough for a lifelong trad girl. Nine times out of 10, she’ll be happy to have you.
As for personality, we’re not sure if there’s some projection going on or what, because our guys, who are overwhelmingly afraid of rejection, have listed as their most prominent complaint that they find the GIRLS to be too shy!
Guys, we’re going to let you in on a secret. Two big secrets, in fact. (Remember, women are complicated creatures – that’s why we’re doing this survey in the first place, to help you out.)
- Girls have a MUCH harder time making eye contact with guys they ARE interested in than they do with guys they don’t care about.
- Girls are likewise going to be MUCH more shy and tongue-tied around guys they ARE interested in as opposed to guys they don’t care about.
Is this counter-productive for everyone involved? Yes. Do girls hate that it’s this way? Yes. Do they kick themselves for turning into stammering idiots as soon as a guy they like starts paying attention to them? Yes, yes, and yes.
Therefore, as a general rule, keep this in mind:
Key Takeaway #2: Shyness does NOT equal indifference. Quite the opposite, quite often. It may take some persistent effort to get her to relax and open up, but again, take the initiative. Try. And try again, if it doesn’t work the first time.
Key Takeaway #3: Most trad girls don’t know how to respond to your advances because they have no experience talking to trad men. Because said trad men often unfortunately act like said trad girls don’t exist. Vicious circle? Absolutely.
Key Takeaway #4: Dating, like everything else in life, takes PRACTICE. And if you’re not going on dates, you’re not getting better at it. This goes for girls as well as for guys, and applies whether you’re sticking to a more traditional courtship model or not. Most people do not end up marrying the first person they ever take an interest in. It may take dating 2, 3, even 10 or 15 people before you find “The One,” and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, provided you’re behaving yourself. It is a LOT different getting to know someone one-on-one in a dating/courtship setting than it is in a group while you’re having doughnuts after church Sunday after Sunday. Good communication is a learned skill – and so is flirting! Try it some time. You might even like it!